The Phantom of Reality
by Holly go lightly1
Summary: When an American *really* looks at the fabric of Phantom. (don't flame this either, I'm a MAJOR phan...im justa little understood) *Uploaded Chapter: The Phantom Sends Out His Letters. With these idiots? This should be *really* interesting.*
1. I have to be direct...You're standing on...

Phantom of Reality

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I began to write this play as a display of my phan knowledge.....and it just turned out funny. Contains: a fat Christine, anorexic ballerinas, a jealous Piangi, and a lot of other warped characters. Rated PG for some brief language (oh, yes, language like "yes" and "no"....horrible brief language [really bad joke, but an old one]) and for total Christine bashing. (Seriously, who can possibly like this pathetic character?!?!?! She loves a dandy!!!!!!!)

Scene One

Pulling Purse Strings

(Play begins in the middle of a rehearsal. Carlotta is dressed like Madonna, singing "Ray of Light." The ballerinas are dressed like Britney Spears, Mandy Moore, and Christine Agulera; the Master of the Men's Chorus is dressed like Ricky Martin. Piangi is dressed like George Bush.....He never really seems to get anything. Firmin, Andre, and Giry look on.)

Carlotta: Quicker than a ray of light she's, um....frying!

Giry: Flying! It's flying, you dumb harlot!

Carlotta: Well, I'm sorry. (Scowling at Piangi) It seems all I ever do at home is frying.

Piangi: (confused) Say what now??

Carlotta: You don't love me like you used to!

Meg: (screaming) Ahhhh, my virgin ears!

Ballerinas: Andre, make them stop! 

Giry: Yeah, you frugal moron, open the purse strings a little and hire a divorce lawyer, do us all a favor!

Andre: Think of it this way: in the long run, your anorexic daughter is losing weight by listening to this disgusting bickering.

Firmin: Do me a favor, just go on with the show! Go on with the show! My wife's really looking forward to _Salute to the Fat Americans_. (shuddering) Mumsy-in-law's coming to watch.

All: Ouch.

Giry: Okay, girls, if you don't go on with the show, you can't have your dinner of Eslax, water, and Jenny Craig bars. Got it?

Ballerinas: (wailing) But we're so hungry!

Meg: What if we split a cookie? Between the eight of us?

Giry: Forget it, you cow!

Meg: But we're all -1% body fat. 

Olivia the Ballerina: We promise it won't be a big cookie....Just one of those small, tiny, itsy-bitsy Chips Ahoy's. 

Kim the Ballerina: It's not even "1,000 chips delicious"; it's just about four chips delicious.

Olivia: I haven't even seen four chocolate chips together in my life!

Giry: Shut up! Shut up! Okay, okay, one cookie, but only if you go bulimic. Promise?

Ballerinas: Whatever you say! 

Andre: C'mon now, let's go, chop chop.

(Christine enters.)

Giry: Well, well, well, if it isn't the girl who eats hoagies. Where've you been, injecting more fat into that big derriere of yours?

All: Ooooh....

Carlotta: That, my friend, was cold.

Piangi: Dead cold.

Meg: (pretending to shiver) Chilly, girlfriend! Brrr.

Christine: (in a daze) With an angel....

Firmin: You went to my stylist! 

Christine: Yeah! You weren't kidding when you said he did miracles. Come over here, look at my highlights.

Firmin: (fawning) You're now a real red-head. Auburn is so good on you. Did Paul tell you that joke...?

Christine: About the priest, the goat, and the mayonnaise?

Firmin: Isn't he the best?!

Christine: S&M!!

Andre: C'mon, already, let's get the show on the road.

(The Phantom drops a house plant, three throw pillows, and knocks over a flashlight.)

Phantom: Aw, dang.

(The theater goes crazy.)

Meg: (going to center stage, putting the spotlight on herself with the flashlight) He's here, the Phantom of the Opera! It's the Ghost, it's the Ghost!

Firmin: (putting his hand in his coat) My purse! My purse, where's my purse?! I need my Mace! I need it now!

Carlotta: (running in circles) He's trying to (specifically) kill me! 

Piangi: (running after her in confusion) What makes you so darn special? Why don't I get any assassins? It's not fair!

Giry: (in denial) I don't have a crush on the Phantom, I don't have a crush on the Phantom...Hello, my name is Antoinette Giry and I don't have a crush on the Phantom....

Andre: (totally POed [accidental play on words]) Aw, c'mon, you just don't want to work! This is really getting me mad!.....Just stop it! (stamps the floor and throws the libretto) Stop it, stop it, stop it!!!!!!!

(Carlotta runs off the stage and into the orchestra.)

Andre: (over the din) Oh, isn't that dandy! (Piangi, too dumb to really think, almost follows his wife off the stage; Andre catches him) Not you too, fat cheeks, I need you.....Even though I can't hear you over the flapping of your jowls, you're not as stupid as your wife.

Firmin: Wait, we no longer have a Madonna.

Giry: Can't we cut her?

Firmin: Are you kidding my Paris butt? The real Madonna would sic her lawyers by the waves!

Andre: (popping pills) I don't need this.....I mean, really.

Meg: Christine can sing!

Firmin: Does she sing well?

Meg: Does it really matter now?

Firmin: Okay, fine, I don't care. She's a dumb cow. Okay, Judy Garland, you got the job.

Christine: Sorry, what? I was listening to the voices in my head. 

Firmin: Sigh.....


	2. Hellllllo, Mumsy, well, helllllllo, Mums...

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This scene is also pretty funny. Contents: Firmin's senile mumsy-in-law, a totally idiotic Raoul (I mean, REALLY dumb), an obese Christine (yes, she's getting fatter by the scene), and other bizarre people. It's not half bad!!!

Scene Two

Your Average Dumb? I Don't Think So....It's A Special Dumb

(Christine is backstage talking to the ballerinas.)

Olivia the Ballerina: You were great! 

Christine: Seriously?

Olivia: (looking to Meg and Kim) At least better than Carlotta.

Kim: (taking out a newspaper) Check out these reviews. (reading) "While the ballerinas sucked, Christine sort of held _Salute to the Fat Americans_ together...like fat glue!"

Christine: (alarmed) What?!

Meg: (taking the paper) Now, now, now, that was a fluke. They've got to get better than that. (reading) "While I was drowsing and my wife was buying merchandise, I happened to be awoken by Christine's sweet melody."

Christine: Well, that was better.

Kim: (reading) "But the merchandise still sucked....I mean, the Madonna doll looked nothing like the pregnant Madonna that Christine played."

Christine: I WASN'T PLAYING THE PREGNANT MADONNA! Am I really that fat?

Olivia, Kim, Meg: No, no, no, of course not. 

Olivia: (holding up the dissected mini cookie) But do you want a piece? It's large enough to split nine.

Christine: (devouring the cookie) Thanks.

Kim: Oh my tap-dancing Fosse, she's a conspiracy! She ate the ENTIRE thing!

(The ballerinas run away screaming.) 

Christine: I don't get it! What'd I do?!

(Christine sulks and walks off to her dressing room. Raoul, Firmin, Andre, Mrs. Firmin, and Mumsy Firmin come out drinking grape juice.)

Firmin: So, what'd you think of the play, Mumsy Firmin?

Mumsy Firmin: (looking dazed) I like muffins.

(Andre, Firmin, and Raoul snicker when they realize she's a senile nut.)

Mrs. Firmin: (smacks her husband) Shut up! She's sick!

Raoul: (running away) Contagiously sick? 

(Andre catches him by the coattails.)

Raoul: (whining) But I don't wanna catch stupid! 

Andre: (sighing) At least he paid for the play.

Firmin: So, it seems that the young, pudgy soprano has caught your eye, eh, de Chag? Snap, snap, green, green, wink, wink, say no more?

Raoul: Huh?

Andre: I'm sorry, he watches too much BBC. He was asking if you wanted to meet Miss Daae.

Raoul: (eagerly) Yuhuh!

Firmin: Her dressing room's over there if you wanna see her before dinner. 

Raoul: Can she come with us?

Mrs. Firmin: Sure, we're going to "Sizzler." All you can eat, she's probably been there before.

Raoul: What's that supposed to mean? She's big-boned.

Firmin, Mrs. Firmin, Andre: (dully) Yeah, sure, whatever, etc.

(They leave. Raoul begins to go up to Christine's dressing room.)

Raoul: (distracted) Ooh, something extra, extra shiny! Ice cream! Wohoo!!!!!!!

(Raoul runs off and Meg comes into Christine's room.)

Meg: Hey, Chris. Sorry about the cookie thing, it's just....Woah, we were scared. Are you okay?

Christine: (eating candy corn) No problem, it's happened before. Want some?

(Meg hisses like Dracula and cowers.)

Christine: (a little put off) Um, okay. So, what's up?

Meg: I was just gonna come here to say how great you were. But why? I mean, a drunk Mumsy Firmin used to (and did) sing better than you a couple months ago. What changed?

Christine: (happily) I've been taking lessons from an angel.

Meg: The guy who did your hair?

Christine: No! I mean, the Angel of Music!

Meg: (dryly) Right. Look, I may wear a net skirt, but I'm really not that stupid.

Christine: No, really! He watches me, in my dressing room, and coaches me....daily!

Meg: (boggling) In your dressing room?!?!

Christine: Oh, not like....

Meg: In your DRESSING ROOM?!?!!? 

Christine: C'mon, Meggy. (love-struck) I love him!

Meg: (coughing) Nut.

Christine: (suddenly) He's here.

Meg: (coughing) Loser.

Christine: (holding out her hands) My hands are cold...He's all around me.

Meg: (coughing) Nut-bar.

Christine: (angry) Meg! This is supposed to interest you! You're supposed to think I'm something wonderful!

Meg: Whatev, babe. (looking at her pager) Whoops, gotta run. Rehearsal, Mommy'll be mad. 

Christine: But...Wha....You're...I'm....(shrugging) Okay. Bye, Meg.

Meg: (waving) _Bon_ and _soir_.

(Meg leaves. Raoul enters Christine's dressing room, carrying three chocolate-flavored snow cones.)

Raoul: (looking at the paper hat on Christine's dresser) Mademoiselle, you have forgotten your hat.

Christine: My dear friend, my "Sizzler" hat blew off in the wind....A thirteen year-old boy with a "Lobster House" bib saved it. (turns) Oh, Raoul, it is you! 

(Raoul leans forward to embrace her; she merely takes two of the snow cones and begins to scarf them down.)

Raoul: Little Lotte let her mind wander.

Christine: Huh?

Raoul: Little Lotte thought am I fonder of frocks or of riddles or frocks.....

Christine: Oh, are you still obsessed with your insane girl cousin? The one who thought she saw the angel of music. 

Raoul: Or of chocolates.

Christine: Remember father playing the French horn in his "Sizzler".......

Raoul:....As we read stupid stories from "MAD."

Christine: Ooh, remember what your cousin said? The thing she liked better than shoes? When she heard the angel of Angel of Music sing in her head?

Raoul: She was on crack, you know.

Christine: But I can hear the Angel of Music, too! Why doesn't anyone believe me!

Raoul: Aw, honey, I love you even if you do love chocolates and the Angel of Music.

(Christine's fat eyes widen; she puts down the snow cone.)

Raoul: Anyway, you wanna come out to dinner with us?

Christine: (flatly) I think I just went on a diet. But, Raoul, just listen.....

Raoul: (kissing her cheek) Get out of that Madonna outfit and come join us. Maybe Mumsy Firmin will sing the "Cabaret" theme song at dinner. (He leaves.)

Christine: Aw, fruit snacks! (She pouts and snacks on a hidden "Snickers" pack.)

Phantom: Gorging child....What cute little pudgy cheeks you've got.

Christine: (in tears) Shut up! I'm on a diet....Tomorrow.

Phantom: (in a pet voice) C'mon, c'mon, honey, give me a smile....C'mon, c'mon!

(Christine smiles through a mouth full of caramel.) 

Phantom: Why don't you follow me? Downstairs, I've got a fridge of "Ben and Jerry's."

Christine: I'm there! Wohoo! 

(Raoul knocks on the door.)

Phantom: How many flavors? Let's see, I've got Double Fudge Brownie, Chubby Hubby, Chunky Monkey....

Christine: Keep talkin', keep talkin'.....

(The mirror opens. The Phantom pulls her in.)

Phantom: Yoink.

Raoul: What the.....?

(Opens the door. Finds the room empty.)

Raoul: D'oh!


	3. "It's a Threat Letter!" "It's a Chain Le...

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This, I had a ball making. It was too long for one chapter, though, so I'll post that later. Peace out.

Scene Three

Who Are These Eccentric People Asking For Money and Why Are They Calling Me "Manager?"

(Andre and Firmin are in their office, reading a paper and answering their mail.)

Andre: (going through mail) Water bill, gas bill, ooh, sweepstakes! (beat) Another bill, another bill, another bill....

Firmin: Lookie, lookie, lookie, we're in the paper! (reading) "The Opera House's _Salute to the Fat Americans_ was utterly tasteless, crass, lewd, but filled with great acting and lots of sparkly things." Well, that's not totally bad.....Sparkly things are great for publicity.

Andre: (yelling) Damn, this sucks!

Firmin: (confused) Why are you yelling?

Andre: (howling) I don't know! It's like I'm purposely trying to raise my blood pressure....I'm trying to kill myself via yelling!

Firmin: Oh, don't let me interrupt.

Andre: (picking up PTO's letter) Hey, another sweepstakes. Ooh, no, it's not, it's a letter.

Firmin: About what? I told them, this is my real hair, I don't need to join any stupid club.

Andre: Oh, shut up, everyone knows it looks like a brown bathroom mat, you don't have to go about lying. (opens the letter) Good Lord, another damn chain letter.

Firmin: That's not a chain letter, that's a threat letter!

Andre: It's a threat letter that could make a great chain letter.

Firmin: Just read it, Sr. Fopsalot.

Andre: (reading) Dear Chip and Dale....

Firmin: Which one am I?

Andre: It doesn't matter, there isn't a difference.

Firmin: Andre! There's certainly a difference! Could I be Dale? He's more laid-back, goofy, eccentric...and he wears Hawaiian shirts. You're more like Chip...you know...most likely to die of a heart attack.

Andre: (exasperated) Okay, fine! (continues) _Salute to the Fat Americans_ was passable, but only because my chick was in it. 

Phantom's Voice: (taking over) Somebody should feed your dancers, they look like Auschwitz throwbacks--

Andre: Hey! Phantom! Down here!

Phantom: (looks down)

Andre: Okay, you have ENOUGH lines in this stupid play, okay?!?!?! Don't take mine!!!! That's just not fair!!!!

Phantom: (crossly) Fine, be that way! (gets up from behind a couch in the room and walks out, but not before sticking his tongue out at Andre) I'm keeping the staples! (tries to slam the door shut but finds out it's one of those funny air-hinge ones that closes slowly so he just gets mad, curses at it, and storms off)

Firmin: (raises his eyebrows)

Andre: Whatever. As I was saying before Ego-Man bust in (continues) somebody should feed your dancers, they look like Auschwitz throwbacks or very tired Q-Tips. All those people dressed like pop wannabes at that TRL concert were a great touch. 

Firmin: I should've been allowed to be Carson Daily.

Andre: Yeah, you would've been good if you could act.

Firmin: (scowls)

Andre: (continues) By the way, did someone slap you with a stupid stick or am I just crazy? I used to get paid in this joint. It's okay, though: My therapist says I've got to learn to count to ten before getting angry. For the last twenty minutes, I've counted to 1,938,908,890,283,098 and I'm still pretty mad at you. So just put my dough in this envelope and I'll pick it up after terrorizing some stage hands, dropping something off at the post office, and getting a Kit Kat bar. Keep it real: O G.

Firmin: (smiling) Well, I most certainly keep it real.

Andre: (screaming) WHAT KIND OF MIXED-UP INSANITY IS THIS?! I'M NOT PAYING THIS KIT KAT-EATING WHACK JOB! HE STOLE MY STAPLES!

Firmin: Inside voice, please.

Andre: This is *really* immature. And what kind of name is "O G"? It sounds like a ghetto rapper.

Firmin: (thinking) Well, online, "O M G" means "oh my God." Maybe "O G" means "oh God."

Andre: Why would he write "oh God"?

Firmin: Maybe he let the cat out by accident or got a paper cut or let the bath run too long.

Andre: But wouldn't he *say* "Oh God!" instead of *writing* it?

Firmin: Hey, I didn't hear you think of any suggestions.

(Raoul attempts to dramatically open the door, but discovers it's one of those air-hinge doors that opens slowly.)

Andre: It's not one of those kind of doors, you have to wait ten seconds because of the hinges.

Raoul: (still trapped behind the door) Where's my buttercup?!

Firmin: I didn't think you wanted those wildflowers anymore, they were getting kind of stale, so I threw them out.

Raoul: I meant Christine! Where is she?

Andre: Hmm. (pause) Don't know, don't care. How else can I help you?

Raoul: Well, if you don't care so much (enters) how come I got this threat letter?

Firmin: Good Lord! It really _does_ make a great chain letter!

Andre: Yeah, it would, Firmin, but we didn't send it. Someone else did.

Raoul: You didn't?

Firmin: No!

Andre: We just got it three seconds ago.

Raoul: So, you don't know where my sugar cookie is?

Firmin: I'm sorry, you had so many other cookies, I didn't think you'd miss the sugar cookie with the pink and yellow sprinkles----

Andre: He meant Miss Daae!

Firmin: What, that Weight-Watchers "Before" model? God, no.

Andre: We haven't seen her jiggling around in a day!

Raoul: So, you didn't send me this letter?

Firmin: Good LORD, kid? In how many ways do we have to answer??!?!?! We've already said "no" about nine times!!!

Andre: (reading) Hey, this is a different letter. (reads aloud) Dear Village Idiot, Keep your mitts off my chick. Very sincerely hoping you fall into traffic on your little rich butt, O G.

Raoul: Yeah, I think I have his CD. O G is a _great_ rapper.

Andre/Firmin: (roll eyes) They don't pay us enough.

(Carlotta attempts to flounce in by thrusting open the door but discovers that it's one of those funny air-hinge doors so just flounders like a whale for a few minutes.)

Firmin: (patiently) No, ma'am, it's not one of those kind of doors, it's funny, you have to----

Carlotta: (busts in) Nothing stops a Spaniard!

Andre: Carlotta! We hoped, um sorry, no, _thought_ (yes, thought) you had...um...died.

Carlotta: Oh, I never die. I just get pushed around a lot.

Firmin: Ooh, like Flubber?

Carlotta: (scowling) Where's that brat of yours, the one paying for all of this stuff?!

Andre: He's right (looks where Raoul was). Oh dear, he was here a minute ago. The medication must have worn off. He's probably chasing a balloon or something, he'll be right back.

Carlotta: I need to speak with him!!

Andre: Um, you might not want to do that....

Firmin: He's kind of stupid....

Andre: Don't ask him anything hard....

Firmin: Anything he can't answer with a "yes", "no", or "ziggaziggAAAA".

Andre: (looks at a sheepish Firmin incredulously)

Raoul: (jumping in) I'm baaaack!

Firmin: Oh good.

Raoul: This place really needs a jungle gym. It's not as much fun to climb on all the chandeliers as I thought.

Firmin: Mind if I not ask?

Raoul: Okie doke.

Carlotta: WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THIS THREAT-LETTER?!?!

Firmin/Andre: (crack up)

Carlotta/Raoul: What?

Andre: (snickering) Do you _realize_ who you're _talking_ to?! This is _Raoul_!

Firmin: C'mon, Carlotta, he can't even _spell_ his own name, how could he write _you_ a letter?!

Raoul: (proudly) A real man has his maid write his letters.

Carlotta: (screeching) It's that kind of talk that's going to keep women under the glass ceiling!

Piangi: (entering) Hey, chica, when are we going home so you can cook me five dinners?

Carlotta: (cooing) In a secy-wecond, angel fluffernutter sweetie crumpet.

Andre: (muttering) Whack job.

(Madame Giry and Meg enter...and the door actually works.)

Firmin: (sarcastically) Oh great.

Giry: Sorry we were late, Meg had to get fitted for her IV tube.

Andre: That's okay.

Giry: Oh yeah. Christine's back.

Andre: Could we talk about something else? This is getting boring.

Firmin: Why isn't she at work, lazy ditz?

Giry: Like I care. She was whining about being tired. Yeah, she needs rest like I need a tube top.

Firmin: (doing the visuals) Ew, good point.

Meg: She _really _needs a treadmill...and a bike...and a diet...and plastic surgery....and a hair cut....

Raoul: Woohoo! Party at Christine's house!

Giry: Um, she's kind of out of it, I wouldn't go over there.

Meg: She's up fifty pounds. Something inaudible about ice cream and toppings and a whole fridge of Ben and Jerry's, I dunno.

Giry: Oh yeah, (holds up letter) anyone else get one of these? It's a new one from O G.

Everyone else: GIVE IT TO ME, YOU OLD BAG!!!!!! I WANNA READ OUT LOUD!!!!!

Andre: (taking letters) Oh, come on, guys. This is my one part in the entire play: reading letters. Do your own gimmicks. (ominous music as he reads) Dear Assembled Rejects: I really hate you all. Really. I mean, I hope you all die in really horrible ways involving Tommy guns, machetes, goat uprisings, or rabid ferrets. Okay, let me start off by saying I own this place now. My way or Broadway, you got it? So here's what I want. I gave you back my chick. She can sing the pants off of that Holstein Carlotta. So there. In our new production of _Albert Hitchcock's The Birds: A Musical_, I want her to play the lead role. Carlotta can be the person that gets blown up at the gas station. Ha ha haha ha. I want to watch it in Box 5. Stop poisoning the peanuts in there, I'm not going away. So there. If you don't do what I want, I'm kicking your asses, you got it? Peace out. Sincerely.......hoping you don't screw this up: O G. PS: Please inform everyone that I am not a rapper.


End file.
